Something That Happened

I’m scared of a lot of things. I’m so clumsy that I’m scared to hold anything, I’m not even joking.
I’m scared of people. There could be two people down an aisle and I won’t go down there until they move.

Empty places are my favourite, but I never thought I’d be empty. I never thought that something so insignificant could effect me so much.
I lost one of my most favourite people a few days ago. At the start it didn’t bother me that much but the more the days went by, I started to get more sad. Today I walked around by myself, sat by myself and that made me realised what has happened. I could of been out, laughing, smiling so much my jaw ached. But no, I wasn’t doing any of that.

But with that said, im okay. Sure I’m sad, sure I’m feeling empty but I’m proving that I can live without someone who for many years was my best friend.
I was the one that said goodbye, I chose to let go of a friendship that we thought would last a life time.
We talked about us being 70 and in our wheelchairs talking about the old times.

It’s all so sad and I want to cry, but I know that moving on is my best option.
It’s the end. An end of a friendship. I may cry now but time will pass. And time is a great healer.

Anonymous blogger, signing out xxx

50 Questions Tag

Because I’m depressed and on the edge of self harm, I thought why not answer questions to distract myself.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I wasn’t. My name is just boring.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
About 5 minutes ago.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Nope, its stupid.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
I don’t have one.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Nope. I’m a lot too young.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
No, I hate myself.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Yes, it is my first language.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
I do.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Sure, if someone forgets to strap me in proberly and I plunge to an unfortunate death.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
I do ever eat breakfast but on the rare occasions, I would eat Frosties.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
The majority of the time I do not untie them, I do sometimes though.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Nope. Not physically or mentally.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Cookie dough.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
I first notice people height. I don’t know why.

15. RED OR PINK?
Red. I loathe pink.
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I already hate everything about myself so everything.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
I miss me the most. I lost a lot of me in the new year and im not the same person.

18. WHAT IS THE SPARK FEATURE THAT HAS HELPED YOU THE MOST?
I have no idea what this question is asking.

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Im not because its 2 in the morning.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A salad. Im still hungry.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Im not listening to music but I do have a youtube video on in the background.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
I’d be blue to represent my mood.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Fresh laundry, new swimming pool, perfume.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Hold on let me check. My mum.

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Mountain hideaway. I don’t like the beach that much.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
WWE, if that counts as a sport. So wrestling.

27. HAIR COLOR?
I find it really hard to see what colour things are. I don’t know.

28. EYE COLOR?
Blue and green. More blue then green.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Nope, I proberly do need them.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
I dont know, pizza, burgers. Something really unhealthy.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Scary movie.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
I don’t actually know. Proberly the Grinch around Christmas time.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Weirdly enough, pink. Im wearing a jumper though.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
I prefer winter.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Both.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Something with fudge in it.

37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
None. I don’t do exercise.

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
Computer. I dont watch TV ever.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Im not.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Nothing.

41. ANY TATTOOS?
Nope.

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
Someone’s laugh and voice.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles I guess.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
I don’t know.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
No, im a talentless failure.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Do I say the exact place?. Well, I was born in Taunton which is in the South West of England but I don’t live there.

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
I don’t live that far away from where I was born but I wont say.

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
I actually have no idea.

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
I don’t have one.

50. ANY PETS?
I do. One cat and one dog.

Thanks for reading.
Bye.

Anonymous blogger, signing out xxx

People.

I’ve noticed something.
Mental health is spreading.
More people are aware yet everyone’s being diagnosed.
Anxiety. Depression.
Why? Because of society.
People. Did this.
Fat, is seen as bad.
Skinny is seen as perfect.
Wearing the ‘wrong’, not in fashion clothing is seen as trampy.
Yet, having designer, in fashion clothing is seen as bratty.
We can’t win because today’s society is so  fucked up.
Brains have evolved into monsters
People have evolved into monsters.
We have more hate today then ever in history.

Everyone is creating a unfair image on everyone else.
Big ass. Big boobs.
Big muscles. Six pack.
If you don’t have these things, you are seen as ugly.
But if you do, people will take advantage.

Society is the ugly one. Society is fucked up.
But society is the people.
Yet the people are being diagnosed.

Anonymous blogger, signing out xxx

I’m the best

Yo bitches. Today lets talk about me because I love me and I only matter in this world.
Everyone loves me and I know they do because who wouldn’t im absolutely perfect.
There’s only one thing I love more than myself and that is the mirror. I just love looking at myself in the mirror because im such a beautiful person its hard not to stare at me.

I don’t need makeup at all, I’ve got so much natural beauty that everyone’s jealous.
They should be because im the best thing on this earth.

Anyway, I should go.

I know you all love me.

Anonymous blogger, signing out xxx

I dont want a title

Hello everyone, welcome to this shit pit I call a blog.
So, I give up. I don’t give a fuck anymore, I don’t want anything to do with anyone. I don’t want emotions, I don’t want any friends, I don’t want to exist to be honest.
Im thinking about quitting my blog and just isolating myself from everyone but I don’t want to do it on impulse.

I don’t know about anything anymore, one bad thing after another happens and its tearing me down. My life is a worthless piece of shit, I wish I actually killed myself at birth like I nearly did. I wish my mum had an abortion.

So many thoughts rushing through my mind, all of them are pretty bad but that sums up my life. My life has come to a dead end and is the lowest I’ve ever been.

What do I do now?
Cry? Done that.
Self harm? Done that.

What scares me is my 7 year old sister says all this stuff too. She says “Why is my life so bad?” “I wish I wasn’t alive” and that scares me, not just because that is my sister but because that is my BABY sister.
Children as young as 7 are thinking this, at their age they should be wondering if unicorns are real. Not wondering about death. Its crazy.
Let me tell you something, it is so easy for some like me with mental health issues to fake happiness. I do it all the time. Behind a smile is a lot of hurt. Behind a laugh is a world of suffering.

My dad said to me “You can’t be depressed, you’re too happy all the time”
I hide my mental health very well. I’m a very happy and smiley person because under each smile and laugh is as I said, more pain.
Don’t always think a smile or a laugh is happiness. It could be the complete opposite.

Until this year I never really understood mental health, before my mental health really wasn’t that bad. Yes my social anxiety did poke through a lot but it never was to the point of where my depression is now. I tackle both on a daily basis and you will truly never understand what people are going through unless you’ve been through it yourself and even then everyone’s anxiety and depression is different.

I know many people that have and or used to struggle a lot and I really do look up to them. I really respect the people who have made it through because I’m seeing how hard it is to cope.

It may not seem like much from the outside but on the inside its a war. Its a full blown war, killing every part of you slowly. It does feel like the war will never be over.
My wars still happening, my war will go on for a while but I’ll survive it (maybe, I can’t promise anything)
This is me, just getting everything out. Im still debating quitting. Right now, im going to binge eat and fall asleep.

Anonymous blogger signing out xxx

Lets talk Love

Hey guys, welcome back to my blog!
Let’s talk about love. I know, I know.. I talk about this a lot but its always on my mind so I’ll talk about it anyway.

So, love. Such a wonderful thing but can be really bad as well.

Personally, I’ve been in a few really bad relationships which they used me, cheated on me, made me feel like utter crap..ect.
Doesn’t help I have serious trust issues now, relationships can be the best thing ever or the worst thing, it depends on the person.

Some could end unexpectedly or others you can see the relationships going downhill.
I used to never cry, and didn’t care that it ended but because now I apparently  have  ’emotions’ (which is news to me) I cry. I cry a lot.
And it sucks, its sucks ass when the relationships ends, especially if you actually loved them

Honestly, if I seriously love someone ill talk to anyone about them in the cheesiest way and I don’t care how cheesy it sounds because I have strong feelings for that person.

Lets talk about they have moved on and you’re still in love with them. Okay, honestly, that must fucking hurt. If they have got into another relationship.. That would sting like a bitch.
I’ll put it out there, if Sav got into another relationship that would 1. I’ll be in complete shock because good luck (Im seriously joking, he’s an amazing guy. Any girl would be lucky to have him)
2. It would hurt.

But, if this happens to you. Take a deep breathe. Think “Oh well” and move on. It may be hard but why cry over something you cant fix.
Lets be honest if this happened to me, id lock myself in a closet and never go onto the internet again. (I over react to everything)

Love is great. But sometimes love is blind and it could kill you. (dramatic I know)

Now, getting back with an ex.
First, think of what they did. For example, cheat on you. That’s a definite NO. Never take that bitch back.
Im being so hypocritical but learn from my mistakes.

If they caused an physical or verbal abuse. NEVER. EVER. GET BACK WITH THEM.

Would I get back with an ex?
Yes. I have before. Do I regret it? Yes but only with one person, and he cheated on me so I was stupid.

I don’t recommend getting into a relationship straight after you just got out of one. It would make you feel better but you could also hurt the person you got into a relationship in because you’re basically using them to get over that person.

What if you’re still in love with your ex?
I can relate to this one, I actually don’t know. I’m still figuring it out.
Maybe try and work things out and get back together but it depends how this person feels. I wouldn’t bother said person too much because then you could annoy him/her and then it definitely wouldn’t want you back.

Love can be really difficult. Right now, I don’t want to think about falling in love with someone new. Im really not interested in anyone new.
Be careful who you fall in love with people.

Anonymous blogger signing out xxx

Oh Look Another Depressing Post

I’m really not sure what to think anymore, I feel myself getting into a depressing state because my life sucks so much. I hate my life with a passion, it is just a waste of everything.

Im a waste of space, worthless. Im genuinely nothing. 2017 starts and I thought it would be a great year
“No negative posts” I said. Well that didn’t fucking happen, look at me now!

What do I even do anymore? There’s no point in me being around, I seriously don’t think I should live any longer. I’ll have a think about it before I make a decision.

On top of the fact that I have no one in my life that gives a shit about me. Who the fuck do I have in my life that cares?! Literally no one. Everyone has given up on me and when I try and talk to anyone they ignore me.
Im not surprised everyone has given up on me, im a stupid piece of shit anyway. Who would want anything to do with me? I wouldn’t want to be my friend.

This year has been the worst year of my life. It started out almost good and then I had an eating problem and then I felt like shit and then it turned into depression, I’ve cried more times than I could count. I thought everything was getting better on the 18th February and it did. I fell in love then and then things went downhill in March.

Oh my god, don’t get me started on March. March has been a fucking shit month. I cried way too much, but I did have some good times.
I think the amount of times I smiled and laughed balanced out the times I’ve cried and I only had to thank one person for that.
But then in April, things went shit again and I cried even more. And now a little bit over a week later im here. Sad. Angry. Depressed. Not feeling any happiness genuinely because I lost my happiness on the 3rd April. I wish I could move on but I can’t.

I just want something to happen that would make me smile, or laugh. Right now, im pretty low and I’m handling it alone. I really won’t bottle it up because then I will literally do something drastic.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Anonymous blogger signing out xxx

….

I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers cant deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
Then a round up in your face you get–

Oh my god
Look at her butt
Oh my god
Look at – look – at – her – butt

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hun

Im bringing sexy back
Yeah!
You motherf****rs dont know howtta act
Yeah!

When I walk into the club, and this is what I see
Everybody stops and staring at me
Ive got a passion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it show it show it
Im sexy and I know it

If you sang along like this post

Viola over and out xxx

A Story

Hey everyone, welcome back to my blog.
I want to share a story with you.

There was this girl, she has been keeping a secret in for many years and was scared to let it out. For many years she was forced to do things she didn’t want to do but was scared to say no.
No one knew this was happening and she was terrified, avoided any sort of contact with the person that made her do these things.
It started when she was young, and for years it carried on, everytime she saw this person, this person would do things and she was scared.. She didn’t want to tell anyone because she was scared.
She hasn’t seen this person in years and never EVER wants to again.

She’s scared this person will force her to do things again, and now that she’s older would this person still do it? She doesn’t want to find out.

After years of keeping this in, she doesn’t want to be scared. She wishes she could walk around free and not scared to see that person again.

She wishes she could say no when it happened.

This girl was me. At a young age, a guy forced me to do things with him that I never wanted to do. Im too scared to call out this guy or talk about it to anyone in real life. Please if you know me in real life, don’t talk to me about this or tell anyone.

I’m seriously sweating and shaking from this, I’ve only ever told one other person and that was Sav. I would trust him with my life, no kidding.

I love you all so much, see you soon.

Anonymous blogger, signing out xxx

Dear,

Dear,
I miss you. Blunt and straight to the point, but that’s been playing in my mind for days. I can’t move on, I don’t want to move on. You left so suddenly, and I’ve cried everyday since.

A song will play that reminds me of you and I’ll break down, knowing that you aren’t in my life anymore. Knowing that no one could make me smile like you did.. I won’t be happy anymore.

I look back on photos and I saw how happy I was, smiling so much that my jaw ached.
Things are so different now. You aren’t there anymore to say goodnight everyday, you aren’t there when im not okay and your never will see me be the crazy weirdo that I am.

My days are so empty without you, I never wanted you to leave. I wanted you to stay, but you didn’t want to. I was never the victim, I caused all the pain this time. It was all my fault.

Its my fault that you are not in my life anymore, and that’s painful. Its painful to see you have moved on while im here in agony, crying about losing you.

No one compares to you, I could never look at someone in the same way I saw you. I need to move on but its hard to move on from something that you loved so much.
Your still the best I’ve ever had, I lost the best I’ve ever had.
I’ve cried many times about you, before it happened I cried but never told you. I cried because I knew I was losing you. I cried because I thought you dont love me. Was I right?
If I found out the truth now, it would hurt.  But im pretty numb now.

With all this said, I need to move on. I need to stop crying over you. I need to stop thinking about you everyday. Every hour. Every minute. Every second.
I know ill never love again, I cant. I wont. How could I when im still in love with you?
Rhetorical question? Yes.
The inside jokes were too much, do you remember them? Bori does. So does Dave,Bob,Everton and lets not forget Churchill. Oh god, I cried laughing over these jokes.

I’ll miss you. I will always love you.

Your sincerely,
A

Anonymous blogger signing out xxx