Rant Post – Trigger Warning

Sometimes everything goes to shit… “But why would things go to shit, your life is good” Yes, some aspects of my life is really good. I’ve got an amazing boyfriend, I have an absolutely gorgeous bestfriend but not everything is always good.

Sometimes I lay in bed and think “What’s the point of life? .. just give up” I think a lot. I go back to the past and realise how my mental health was okay but the rest isn’t but now.. My mental health is shit and the rest is okay.
I know, I talk about my mental health a lot but it affects me on a daily basis and I always feel weak because of it. I feel helpless.. Counselling doesn’t do shit, its making things worse. They’re making me feel like its all my fault for being this way.. I don’t really want to see them anymore,  I might regret it but next time I’ll tell them I don’t want it anymore.

Can you see how crap I feel? I just want to scream, scream in the middle of no where.. Get all my anger out.
I just want to feel okay again, I want to be that girl who always smiled even through bad times.. Im never going to get that again.

Sometimes I genuinely think about killing myself.. I know”Don’t do it, you have so much to live for. Think about the people who will be affected by it”. That’s just basically telling me to live for other people and live an unhappy life.
Im going to have to put a trigger warning.

If you know me, you know I hate crying. I don’t want people to see my crying or to know im crying unless its my really close friends but this year overall.. I’ve cried.. A lot.
I kind of feel like crying is good now, I do feel like crying does take some anger and stress out of me but I always hide myself away when I’m crying or have cried because on me it is painfully obvious if im sad. My eyes go green and I am very quiet.. Im normally a crazy, doesn’t shut up kind of person so when im quiet people do ask me if something is wrong and there proberly is.

I don’t know what happened to me, I’ve lost myself.. I’ve lost that person who never cried, and didn’t really have emotions. Now, I have too many emotions that I let anything get to me.. Then I cry about it..

Can you tell I hate how my brain works now? Why do I care about things now?! Why cant I go back to this emotionless bitch?!

Im not quite sure I want to go back to being emotionless. I care so much about people and I love making people happy. It brings me so much joy to see someone smile and think “I did that, I made them smile” then I smile because I realise what I did.
Im very understanding. You don’t need to say sorry to me, ill proberly tell you that there’s no need to say sorry and go on about what you did wasn’t bad.. I guess im a good person.
I used to be the total opposite, yes I have that spark in me still. I can be an absolute savage and bitch but only if someone has done something that’s hurt someone I love then I want to murder the person. I will get extremely angry.. Like really angry.

I just don’t understand why im like this now.. Im becoming an adult 😂 Yeah right. Im still an immature 16 year old.

I will go now because im proberly triggering everyone right now.

Thank you for sticking around till the end. I know this is a really long, depressing post but this is what I think about a lot.

See you guys soon, maybe a cover will be next..

Anonymous blogger signing out xxx

kop

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