Hello everyone, welcome to this shit pit I call a blog.
So, I give up. I don’t give a fuck anymore, I don’t want anything to do with anyone. I don’t want emotions, I don’t want any friends, I don’t want to exist to be honest.
Im thinking about quitting my blog and just isolating myself from everyone but I don’t want to do it on impulse.
I don’t know about anything anymore, one bad thing after another happens and its tearing me down. My life is a worthless piece of shit, I wish I actually killed myself at birth like I nearly did. I wish my mum had an abortion.
So many thoughts rushing through my mind, all of them are pretty bad but that sums up my life. My life has come to a dead end and is the lowest I’ve ever been.
What do I do now?
Cry? Done that.
Self harm? Done that.
What scares me is my 7 year old sister says all this stuff too. She says “Why is my life so bad?” “I wish I wasn’t alive” and that scares me, not just because that is my sister but because that is my BABY sister.
Children as young as 7 are thinking this, at their age they should be wondering if unicorns are real. Not wondering about death. Its crazy.
Let me tell you something, it is so easy for some like me with mental health issues to fake happiness. I do it all the time. Behind a smile is a lot of hurt. Behind a laugh is a world of suffering.
My dad said to me “You can’t be depressed, you’re too happy all the time”
I hide my mental health very well. I’m a very happy and smiley person because under each smile and laugh is as I said, more pain.
Don’t always think a smile or a laugh is happiness. It could be the complete opposite.
Until this year I never really understood mental health, before my mental health really wasn’t that bad. Yes my social anxiety did poke through a lot but it never was to the point of where my depression is now. I tackle both on a daily basis and you will truly never understand what people are going through unless you’ve been through it yourself and even then everyone’s anxiety and depression is different.
I know many people that have and or used to struggle a lot and I really do look up to them. I really respect the people who have made it through because I’m seeing how hard it is to cope.
It may not seem like much from the outside but on the inside its a war. Its a full blown war, killing every part of you slowly. It does feel like the war will never be over.
My wars still happening, my war will go on for a while but I’ll survive it (maybe, I can’t promise anything)
This is me, just getting everything out. Im still debating quitting. Right now, im going to binge eat and fall asleep.
Anonymous blogger signing out xxx